[LOG] Flashback: Albus and James

[n3xt-in-line.livejournal.com]

Where: The Potter household
When: Mid-summer 2021 (between fourth and fifth year)

This wasn't exactly how I'd originally envisioned this going, but James got all D< on me. And then it started getting long, because Ginny wanted in, but I have to stop and go to bed in a bit. XD; But I felt like posting this up, so here's the first bit and the second will come later.



"James?" Albus opened the door to his brother's room, feeling rather nervous and almost hoping that the other wouldn't be there. But there he was, on the floor, doing pushups one after the other - it looked like he'd been doing quite a few, as his cheeks were red and his face slightly damp.

"Don't you remember how to knock?" James asked, somewhat breathlessly, as Alby closed the door behind him and stood with his back to it, mostly so he wouldn't be tempted to slip out and pretend he'd never come in here.

"Sorry," he said, eyeing James, who continued to do pushups on the floor, breathing in on the ups and out on the downs. He wondered if pushups were at all fun - they didn't look it - and wondered how many James did on a regular basis. Or if they really helped - though all the girls seemed to think so, since so many of them made it clear how handsome they thought James was...

But Alby hadn't come in here to talk about James, or about girls. He'd come to talk about himself, but in the most roundabout manner possible, hopefully, so James wouldn't know that Alby was talking about himself. Though Alby had a sinking feeling that James might already -

"So?"

Alby blinked, realizing he'd been lost in thought, and that James had finally stopped doing his pushups, sitting cross-legged on the floor and wiping at his forehead with the back of a hand.

"Whaddaya want?"

"Um," Alby started, because he'd spent so long thinking about how to word this and suddenly it seemed as though he'd forgotten everything he'd planned. "I had a question."

"... Okay." James looked unimpressed, but he didn't look like he was going to throw Alby out of his room, at least. "And...?"

"Um," Alby repeated, before taking a breath and telling himself to calm down. If he appeared nervous, James was more likely to pick up on the fact that Alby had a problem. And he definitely didn't want James to know he had a problem. He just wanted James' help. James didn't have to know there was a problem to help with it. Really.

"So you remember that Chamber that Aunt Alison talks about sometimes? The... the Chamber of Snogs, or whatever it was called?" James grunted, and Alby went on. "I mean, the Chamber isn't important," he didn't want James catching on that he knew where it was, after all, "but she always said it had a portrait of two guys snogging on the outside, and -"

James snorted and Alby stopped - apparently he had remembered correctly, when he'd thought back on it and remembered James finding the whole subject rather funny - or maybe just so embarrassing he pretended it was funny. It wouldn't be the first time.

"And anyway, I was... er," Alby toed the carpet with one socked foot, unsure of whether this was a good idea or not but now determined to go on. "What do you think about it? I mean, not that it's that important - but if a guy were to ask another guy out -"

"Like Hawk?" James questioned, obviously immediately thinking of the Ravenclaw boy who'd transferred in two years ago, who made no qualms about the fact that he preferred boys over girls. Alby knew James didn't know him very well - he was Alby's year and James didn't exactly make it a point to get to know students much younger than he was - but he got the impression that James didn't know exactly what to think about the boy.

James narrowed his eyes a bit, looking at his brother. "Is he hitting on you?"

Alby blinked - James thought that was the problem? "What? No! No - I mean, he's not, it's okay." James visibly relaxed - for a moment he'd had that look on his face that said he'd be willing to take care of any problem Alby was having, most likely with his fists. It was strange, Alby thought - he and his brother only got along sometimes, owing largely to the fact that James liked to make fun of Alby any chance he got. But whenever he had a real problem, James was always the first (well, tied with Scorp, really, when he thought about it) to jump in and offer to do something about it.

"Hm. Then what? You want to ask some guy out?" James laughed, lacing his fingers behind his head, and Alby could tell from the look on his face that James wasn't even considering that possibility at all - he was just making fun of Alby, like always.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Nevermind," Alby said, turning around and grasping the doorknob. "It was a stupid question." He turned it, pulling the door open - only to find it shut again by a large hand beside his head. He turned to look up at his brother, who was looking down at him, all hints of laughter gone.

"Alby, seriously. Don't tell me you do want to ask some guy out," James said, and Alby opened his mouth, but he couldn't answer, because he was as afraid to say yes as he was to say no.

James sighed, leaning against the wall beside the door now, arms over his chest; Alby wrinkled his nose, James smelled like sweat.

"I know you keep having trouble with your girlfriends - just because it didn't go so well doesn't mean you should start imitating that American fairy because you think it's cool. It's not."

Alby paled - whatever he'd expected James to say or do, it... hadn't been this. The laughter and the discomfort he'd expected. But not this... warning.

"I don't want people going around saying my brother's a pansy, you hear? And I don't want you making a fool out of yourself because that little priss Sharpay got to you. It's not funny, talking about guys snogging guys, it's not right and it's weird."

Alby blinked. This was... not what he'd wanted at all. It had always felt like James disapproved of him, a little, because Alby wasn't big and strong and... and like James. And now, to hear this... it was one more straw in a pile that was already too big, and Alby could practically feel himself sagging physically from the weight of it.

"I, um, yeah - I didn't mean that," he forced out, turning the knob again. "I didn't say I was going to and I didn't say I wanted to! I'm not weird!" And he swung the door open with so much force that it nearly yanked him sideways, and he was out of it and slamming it shut in the next instant as he walked, quickly, back to his own room, opening and closing his own door with no less force.

He flung himself onto his bed, biting his lip and praying that no one else in the house would come to see what the ruckus about, but after a few moments of silence, he figured he was safe. Or, well, relatively so, at least. Because he didn't feel safe - in fact, now he felt worse than ever.

Was that what he was? A pansy? Was it really that weird to... to not be able to forget what it felt like when he'd kissed someone and it had been really, really good, despite some of the oddest circumstances he could ever think of, despite his having tried and tried to forget it, despite the fact that not only was that person his best mate, it was Scorpius Malfoy? A boy?

Alby had spent so many nights trying to convince himself that maybe it wasn't weird - Hawk was okay, and Gilbert and Serge were painted so obviously someone must've thought it was okay, not only to paint them but to hang that painting in Hogwarts, however hidden. He'd tried to convince himself that he liked Scorp for Scorp, and that it didn't matter that Scorp had the same parts as Alby (and it just made it worse, the nights that he thought too hard about that particular subject), that it was still okay, because really, people were people first and foremost. That maybe liking someone came first, and that person being male or female came second.

But now all of that was crashing down. The look on James' face had undone him completely - he could see that look not only on James, but on Lily, on his mum and dad as well, on his yearmates and even on Professor Blackwood's face. He could see it everywhere, everyone frowning and pointing, until he could see it on Scorp's face too, and he could hear Scorp asking, pleading, wishing that Alby wouldn't look at him like that, or think about him like that, and how could he throw away all their years of friendship just because he couldn't stop thinking about snogging him? Was Alby really that weak?

He didn't know how long he laid there, but the light outside his window had gone dim, and his eyes were beginning to burn from staring at the ceiling when he heard his mother call him down for supper. Alby didn't want to go - he couldn't bear to go, not with the way he felt now, not after talking to James. He'd just have to see James sitting across from him at the table and, thick as James was, Alby was sure he wouldn't have forgotten their conversation.

The knock on his door startled him. "Albus, it's suppertime, didn't you hear?"

Heart pounding, Alby croaked out a, "Not hungry," and turned over, closing his eyes.

There was a silence, too brief to wish that his mother had left, before she asked, "Are you sure?"

"Sure."

"... All right." Alby heard the sound of her retreating footsteps and sighed, throwing one arm over his eyes and wishing he could sleep. At least while he was asleep he wouldn't have to think about this.

Except lately even his dreams betrayed him - so far this summer he'd had three dreams from which he'd woken up sweaty, breathless, and hard. And all three of those dreams had definitely involved one Scorpius Malfoy kissing him senseless - Alby could always remember that part very vividly, as he would lay in his bed wishing the uncomfortable ache between his legs away. Once, the second time, he'd snuck into the bathroom and... taken care of the problem himself with one hand, but the whole time all he could think about was Scorp and he'd felt so guilty that the next time it'd happened, he'd bitten both thumbs at once until the urge to do something went away, so he couldn't possibly touch himself and make things worse. If Scorp ever, ever found out that Alby had wanked off, even once, to thoughts of his best friend, Alby didn't think he'd have the courage to speak to him ever again.

It was awful.

Comments

[of-gunmetalgrey.livejournal.com]

I like this so far! And hey, mine didn't go the way it was supposed to either. Draco insisted on showing up at the end, even if not to interact with Scorpius. D:

Gooo Ginny! Be a cool mum!

[n3xt-in-line.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :D Heh, that Draco, insisting on having a part!

I think she will be, though Alby is so confused I'm not sure he's going to tell her much. :O